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SOAPS
ON THE ROPES: A Non-Viewer's Guide to the Daytime Drama Crisis
Written
by James Koonce
Soap opera viewership,
as I understand it, is waning. So much so, in fact, that last
Friday, veteran NBC sudser Another World became Another
Memory.
Viewer attrition is blamed on many factors, not the least of which
is the steady return to the workforce on the part of women, long
the sought-after audience for the daytime drama, rendering them
unable to watch their cherished melodramas (VCRs, you will recall,
elude Nielsen boxes). But I scratched my head and wondered to
myself, in this day and age when a prime-time show can be renewed
on the strength (?) of a 8.1 rating and a 12 share, can soaps
really be in such dire straits?
So I looked into it a little
further. Apparently, NBC is actually satisfied with other soaps,
like Aaron Spelling's Sunset Beach, so maybe the problem
isn't as universal as it appears. But why do they like Sunset
and not Another World? Since I'm not a watcher of any of these
things, I turned to a few back issue of Soap Opera Digest to help
me out with the differences between 'em. Damned if I could figure
it out, based on just the lurid plotlines and names you'll never
hear in real life. (But the good news was, I nailed an ant crawling
on my windowsill when I got fed up with the Digest and threw it
across the room.) Then I did something I vowed never to do - I
sat down and I watched.
Sunset Beach is
definitely a younger-skewing show, that's for sure. But the difference
is negligible to me - they're ALL attractive people, young and
old (and bear in mind, "old" in this context means "late thirties"),
so I hardly cared which one I was watching, or frankly could hardly
distinguish between the two.
Which got me to thinking,
what's the real story here? I began to turn it over in my head
- Aaron Spelling reigns supreme, and he always will; he challenges
all comers, and he's always the last man left standing, cutting
quite a profile with that wispy hair and his pipe smoldering like
that. But why?
Well, the guy doesn't have
an umpteen-zillion dollar house with that many rooms for NOTHING.
He certainly knows TV, and he knows what it takes to survive:
pictures. Pictures of network executives in compromising positions.
In compromising positions with stars, with each other, and possibly
even with animals.
Yep, that's right - you
heard it here first, citizens. The secret to untold riches in
the entertainment world is none other than simple blackmail. I'm
sure it went something like this:
AMBITIOUS ASSISTANT: "Mr.
Spelling, NBC Network President Scott Sassa on line 1. Says he's
got to ax one daytime soap, either yours or "Another World."
(Pause while Spelling refills
and relights his pipe.)
AARON SPELLING: "You tell
that Sassy -"
AMBITIOUS ASSISTANT: "Uh,
Mr. Spelling, sir? It's Sassa."
AARON SPELLING: "Whatever.
Don't interrupt me. You ask that Sassa if he remembers MIPCOM
last year, his little nude swim at the Hotel du Cap with Larisa
Oleynik? And tell him I've got pictures of him with that other
guy, that Garth Vader character, that I'm sure he won't want to
see the light of day. And mention that I've got Peter Bart on
speed-dial."
And lo, in one fell swoop,
it's Spelling - 1, Another World - 0.
But why, you ask, couldn't
Spelling, using just these sorts of gestapo tactics, save his
venerable other show, Melrose Place, from the FBC chopping
block? Simple - former network prez Peter Roth was already out
the door and out of harm's way, and incoming new guy Doug Herzog
was just that - the untouchable, the relative tyro, whom no one
had ever heard of outside the halls of Comedy Central. So Spelling's
net wasn't wide enough to snare him, and thus, M.P. bit the dust.
But don't think it doesn't
still smart. And you can be sure, Mr. Herzog, Aaron Spelling's
bell tolls for thee. --- What's that? Oh yeah, I started this
article talking about the steady demise of daytime soaps, didn't
I? Well, I really wouldn't know much about that. I never watch
'em anyway, so who cares?
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