2013 In Review: Hey Grandpa, It's Time To Give Up Those Slideshows

Dear Website Powers That Be,

Slideshows are antiquated pieces of shit and you shouldn’t make them. Just thought you should know. You could just keep on multiplying your pageviews with the pennies-per-banner-ad-impressions on your free AARP calculator. But your little scam isn’t fooling anyone that was born after the Vietnam War. Here’s a LIST detailing why slideshows are bad for both sides, all on one page, without pictures, for your reading pleasure.

1. Everyone has an ad blocker. This is an important one. People have gotten really, really good at making sure that ads are replaced by whitespace. The advertising honchos pretend this simply doesn’t happen. They’re in denial and it’s adorable. Your precious little banner ad or slideshow-picture-disguised-as-an-ad thing is about as effective as talking without a tongue.

2. Have you heard of this iPad doohickey? Or tablets? Or god forbid, cell phones? See, it’s really hard to find your teeny tiny “next” button on a small screen. Don’t even try to ask me to push the button with my fat fingers. I will give up after about two tries.

3. Sharing is caring, right? So if I want to share your page on Facebook or Twitter, I’m not sure if I’m sharing the actual article or slideshow picture #16. This prevents me from sharing at all. This decreases your page views. Dag gummit!

4. You know those Buzzfeed articles that make you chuckle? The ones that the grandkids forwarded to you? You probably wondered why that list “20 cats who forgot how to cat” was all on one page. There’s no way that Buzzfeed is making any money like that! What chumps. Think again, Gramps. They make lots of money. Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts goes into that shop and confronts the bitchy blonde by holding up her bags and saying “You work on commission right? Big mistake. Huge.” Buzzfeed is the hooker and you are the bitch.

5. Slideshows were amazing back when we had AOL. If I wanted to view a page with more than a few images I’d click on it to load then go wash the dishes while I waited. But then fancy schmancy fiberoptics and shit were invented. So now I can stream a movie, download a few albums, and plant a virtual farm all at the same time.

6. There isn’t really such a thing as having a monopoly on the internet. Stop acting like your content is unique. In fact, there’s probably dozens of other articles blasting slideshows. Go ahead. Google them. That’s the great thing about the internet. There’s always another option.

7. If I see a slideshow, I will click off the page. Simple as that.