Review: 'CSI: Cyber'

The television shows that fascinate me the most are the horrific creative train wrecks. It's often pretty easy to discern why a successful show works and even shows that are executed erratically are reasonably easy to critique. But there are the shows that are so clumsy and inept that is difficult to determine how everyone involved could have gotten it so wrong. That's especially the case in a show that is filled with veteran talent in front and behind the camera.

On paper, the new CBS drama "CSI: Cyber" should at the very least be a workmanlike procedural. It doesn't share much of anything with "CSI" other than a name, but the idea of a special FBI investigative squad devoted to cyber crimes certainly has a "ripped from the headlines" feel to it. The cast is headed up by Patricia Arquette, James Van Der Beek and Peter MacNicol. Showrunner and executive producer Pam Veasey has nearly 25 years experience as a writer, producer and director. And yet with all of this talent, somehow "CSI: Cyber" is a painfully awkward and erratic show that fails on nearly every level. And after watching the first three episodes, my biggest question is why this level of creative failure didn't prompt CBS to pull the plug before it ever aired.

Arquette is a very talented actress and her role as Avery Ryan, the head of the cyber crimes unit should have been a slam dunk. But her main expression in the show is a constipated glare and she whips it out every time she's forced to utter one of the thoroughly predictable lines that has been written for her. Remember that reading and quip that Horatio Caine (David Caruso) always used to open "CSI: Miami?" Every line of Arquette's seems to be written in that leaden yet earnest fashion and it's painful to sit through. In fact, one of the biggest problems with "CSI: Cyber" is the dialogue, which seems to be comprised mostly of discarded scripts from "Walker, Texas Ranger." It's as if someone raided the Chick Norris script vault, sprinkled a few "cyber-ey" phrases on each page and then shot the results.

And speaking of shooting, it isn't often that you watch a TV drama and notice the directing, editing and shot selection. But one of the things that struck me as I watched "CSI: Cyber" is that it had a very 1990s feel to it visually. There are a lot more insert shots than you typically see in a modern drama and some of the camera angles are ones that  were frequently used back in the era of "Magnum, P.I." That retro shot selection, combined with some seriously goofy "high-tech" graphics, ends up giving the episodes a very inconsistent feel that sometimes veers close to a parody of a network TV drama. Even the little flourishes in the scenes seemed forced, like the fact that Ryan's desk has several Big Gulp-sized drinks on it because, you know, that's what those crazy Internet people do.

That's not to say that there aren't some good things about the show. James Van Der Beek delivers another one of his understated and subtle performances and his character is one of the few in the show that seems even remotely believable. Peter MacNicol's acting is fine in the show, but his character seems to be there primarily so Arquette's Avery Ryan has someone to talk to about what's going to happen in the next scene.

Ultimately, what kills "CSI: Cyber" is the overamped sense of fear and dread about the Internet that is pervasive in each episode. Viewers are apparently supposed to be scared for their cyber lives after watching these cases, but tonally it all comes across like the cyber equivalent of "Get off of my cyber lawn, you soulless hoodlums!"

I didn't know what to expect before I watched "CSI: Cyber." But I can tell you that I didn't think I would be presented with one of the worst television dramas of the past couple of years. And given some of the things that have been on the air recently, that's setting a low creative bar for a major network drama.

"CSI: Cyber" premieres on CBS on Wednesday, March 4, 2015 (10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT).