7 Reasons To Be Glad You Missed The Golden Globes

1) The awkward speeches- The Globes is known for two things: the flowing alcohol and the surprise wins. So when a drunk aging actress goes up there to accept her award, it usually ends with a few bleeped out cuss words, a political rant, or loooonnnnng pauses. It happens every damn year. It’s fun to make fun of, but not really worth watching for.

2) Your favorites never win- OK maybe one of your favorites won (like J.Law or Amy Poehler) but probably not the one you were really rooting for (like Tatiana Maslany).

3) You never see the reaction shots- Every time someone wins, all you see is the back of some nobody’s head. Sit down, you uncelebrity!

4) You haven’t seen 95% of this shit- I mean, unless you’re in the industry or have no life, chances are you haven’t seen most of what’s nominated. I don’t think I’ve seen a single movie that’s nominated. And I’ve only seen, like, half of the TV shows. And I watch a shit ton of TV. So yes, I’m going to root for the actors in the shows or movies I’ve actually watched. Which seems wholly unfair.

5) There’s much better things on- Going head-to-head with The Golden Globes tonight was The Good Wife, Downton Abbey, Revenge and the premieres of True Detective, Girls, Shameless, Episodes, and House of Lies. All of these things are entertaining and nobody would blame you for watching them instead.

6) The fashion is so-so- Most of the couture runways haven’t happened yet, so the fashion is stuff that’s kind of leftover. That sounds really stuck up, but it’s true. Those who did have great fashion moments will surely be splashed on the front page of Yahoo tomorrow, so you really aren’t missing out.

7) The Hollywood Foreign Press- Who the fuck? What the fuck? I don’t fucking know. It’s a thing, but I don’t know what they do.